KING of the UNITED STATES

Wow — I figured it out! It suddenly struck me! Why hadn’t we thought of this before!?!

“What” you ask? Why…THE GREAT COMPROMISE!

My fellow men, what have we been thinking!? We have a strange opportunity at hand which might just slip us out of many of the Nation’s messes; check this out:

Code pink and their ilk want us out of the Mideast. Fine! Cindy Sheehan, Nancy Pelosi, Rosie O’Donnell, Janine Garofalo, Susan Sarandon, etc., you’re going to get what you want (oh, careful what you wish for!). Bad America is going to get out…and give up. YEP - GIVE UP!

Here’s the new plan: We propose a SUMMIT with major Islamic leaders, based on some simple give and take. We relent; We adopt their “title” — We join the Islamic Fraternity. They relent here and there; for one, by scratching out the anti-good time clauses (beer and frat parties are still to be legal). We party together! We get them drunk. Our new pals, We meet midway!

We’re…Muslem-ettes…Mus-Lite…Quoran-lite…Quoran 2.1 ?

They get to see a new Muslim faith sweeping the globe. For the Muslim world - it is a great victory! For our part, we’ll get alcohol tolerant Islam, reductions in global hostility, and… multiple subservient wives!

Dudes, what we get could be awesome. Let’s start with four wives! AND, She’ll have to clear out of the workplace. And kiss all that sexual harassment sludge adios.

Now it must be said, more than 1 wife is not necessarily a good thing. No man wants multiple high-maintenance harpies. Even one condescending or humor-broken women would make life a drag; imagine FOUR of them! But strip her of her airs of superiority, remove her from the work pool, keep her tied to the house, and add three more with even better personalities and figures - it starts to resemble a racey men’s club!

Hey, let her enjoy a good thrashing at her first infidelity (or ankle exposure). She’ll settle in! She’ll get with the program. Hell, seeing our pop-culture’s shrill harpies muzzled by a nice ancient patriarchal culture would just about make me praise Allah at that.

Oh, I suppose I wouldn’t truly believe in my heart. But that’s not that much different from saying “God bless America” in the same room where you have to prepare your taxes. It can be mostly symbolic; for it’s the SHOW that will matter!

It MIGHT generate a second possible course of events: our Mus-Lite movement activates and inverts the previously brain-dead American apologists, and they suddenly see the Islamic writing on the wall, and FREAK OUT… cool! They can get a rifle (thanks to the late, great Charleston Heston and friends) and go find the Mid-East battle frontier. We can let the noisemakers REPLACE our patriotic soldiers. Again, not a bad outcome at all!

Now I know, there are you male feminists who are reading this and thinking; “but I don’t want to see women threatened, I don’t want to erode any equality.” (I will refer you to my blog piece on equality: HERE) For you see, women have never wanted equality. No more than we males have wanted a “satisfactory” paycheck. You want a KICKASS paycheck, just like everyone else. In the same way, women want advantage and superiority, just like everyone else. Equality my ass. (Ironically, you’re the same guys who behave as a gentleman, and would say “women and children first” at the lifeboats of the Titanic. This male support of feminism is just a tactic you have found generally successful for getting laid, and all we men know it.) When the new rules become “NICE children first, obnoxious & violent children next, and every man and woman for themselves”, I’ll begin to believe in equality.

Now, devout Christians can maintain their beliefs, only now under a dual-spiritual-citizenship program. Christ won’t care what you “tell people” in public, if the result is a less war-torn world. Christ loved peace.

…And George Soros and Osama bin Laden have big fat wallets; they can throw some killer parties…

And the middle-east would no longer have the West to to demonize. Being inclined toward angery feistiness, they’ll return to fierce squabbling with their neighbors and with the new nuclear arsenals on the horizon, will probably do a fairly good job of annihilating each other…

And  as we’re no longer being complete infidels, they’ll simply have to excuse our brand of “slacker” Islam. (it isn’t a slight against the faith; it is the way we do everything!)

And we will get to see a ultra-horrified gloria steinham ride her famous fishy bicycle straight into the ocean.

Also, as a world movement begins to adopt the new Mus-Lite lifestyle, the Muslim hardliners will probably moderate; why wouldn’t they — they can now enjoy an ice cold Heineken, or a trendy mojito! And having now accepted alcohol into their lifestyle, the original Islamic fascists would probably become a first-rate pain-in-the-ass down at the local pub (but they wouldn’t be so damn pissed off at the planet all the time!) They’d learn to “live-a-little”, do karaoke, and go bowling. They’ll begin to pick up on phrases like, “Life’s too short”, and other Miller/Budweiser type slogans.

Since there’d be no meaningful competition for the spiritual conquering of the world, they’d probably develop the next obvious complex competitive pursuit: computer games! — Grand Theft Auto, Supreme Commander! …AND, being fairly new to the scene, they’d LIKELY go off the deep-end and become virtual addicts, with little will to do much else aside from topping their last significant score. (The next step is a modern existentialism, identified easily by the ever recurring pronunciation of “whatever”). Results: a totally dismissible culture at that point!

It would be a lesson in losing the battle, but winning the war - on a big scale. But that’s just it, we win big in the end. So a lot of people lose in this scenario, but NOT the U.S. male. So why should we sit around taking crap internally and externally, blamed for every domestic and international ill, while struggling to get by… even while being simultaneously accused of enjoying great advantage! AND being expected to sacrifice FIRST for our great way of life? Jeez, Let’s pursue our OWN best interests for a time!

Yes, it’s time for Nancy Pelosi to put on a kevlar vest, and earn her keep! She needs to EARN her freedom. So Nancy, the code pink members, Rosie O’Donnell and all the rest of the American apologists can celebrate the glorious victory of their team as we lose the war like they’ve been wanting us to; but immediately following that, they can be provided their new berka, and the rest of us can enjoy not seeing their ever-indignant mugs again!

Hell, just getting Rosie O’Donnell to cover her face alone would practically make the whole endeavor worthwhile!